The Letter

I sit here, the letter that I had written to my Grandmother still within my sight....

I spent two very glorious, yet very sad days with my ailing grandmother last week.  My grandmother was dying of lung cancer, and rather than attend her funeral, I chose to spend what little money that I had saved up, on a plane ticket to go and be in her presence.

Cancer is an evil, terrible, horrible disease that should be eradicated from our universe.  To see someone you love so emaciated that you can bear witness to each and every bone within their body. To be in constant pain, each and every day, a pain that copious doses of morphine, oxycottons, and various other pills cannot but dull a little.  To have to trade awareness and lucidity for a reprieve from suffering..... only to drown in your own bed...... I hate Cancer......

I was blessed to be able to see my Grandmother before she passed.  I will forever be grateful of the time spent. The hospice where she was for her last few months of life was operated by this amazing family.  They allowed me to spend the night with her and care for her as much as I was able.


As I packed up my stuff, she told me that she wished I didn't have to go.  I agreed that I would prefer to stay a bit longer, but that I was unable. She understood, but asked that I not forget her, and that I write a letter.  I promised to do so. I kept that promise too.  I wrote to her the very next morning after I arrived home.  I was going to stamp it and send it to her..... when I got the news......

Another 4th of July has come and gone...

Yesterday was the 4th of July.  Austin was fairly dead.  There were no festivities to be had, so many of the the folks that normally crowd the streets of our fair city did not come into town.  I didn't much mind this.  I prefer less people in most situations.

Most of the day, the family and I lounged around the yard.  I put up the hammock and relaxed.  I have realized that there have not been enough hours spent on that hammock. I am going to have to make up for that in the coming weeks.

In the evening, a good friend joined us for a trip out to Georgetown, where they were still having a fireworks display.  Here are some of the resulting photos.

I love the many colors in this photo....

 

This photo reminds me of a jellyfish.....

How about this for a bit of crazy fun?

 

And this looks like the Big Finale......

Much fun was had by all.  What did you do on your 4th?

Pain in Mind

Once upon a time, I entered into a creative endeavor with the closest of my small circle of friends. I did so because for me, creating is the way I share myself, and doing this with another person is a way I express my deep love for them.  Unfortunately, this endeavor did not go well, and it ended a close friendship in a dark and dreadful manner.

I have tried to examine my role in the demise of this friendship countless times, but I did not see it coming, nor did I ever have reason to think we were having troubles.  Yes, it could be that I was blind and ignored important signs, but the way in which the situation was handled by her did not allow me any room to explore the problems that were created.  She wrote me a letter "breaking up" with me, then proceeded to speak scathingly of me to many of our mutual friends.  Granted, she may have been working through the situation and her feelings by talking to folks we both knew, but she said very harmful  and hurtful things, and never once spoke to me directly.

The loss of a treasured friend can be devastating to anyone, and I definitely grieved for a great long while.  I would feel a pit it my stomach when I thought of her. I dreamt about her.  I gathered all of her belongings and tried to put them out of my home to keep the pain from returning unexpectedly.  Honestly, it was like experiencing a death in the family.

I did reach out to her, after a time.  I had had a particularly vivid dream about her and felt that perhaps it was time to make peace with the situation.  As I thought of how horrible she had treated me, I thought perhaps I must have hurt her in unspeakable ways for her to have been so cruel.  I wrote her a lengthy letter explaining my deepest regrets for the way things had ended between us and letter her know that she was important to me and that I was sorry for whatever I had done to cause such animosity.

She responded rather quickly to my letter, calling me a liar and questioning my integrity.  If she held back anything, I could not tell.  This response sealed the deal for me.  I sealed up that part of my emotions and wrote her off in the process. Granted, we still had mutual friends, but we somehow never ran into each other after that... Until recently.

In the past year or so, we have been able to make a sort of peace.  We have been at a couple of the same events and have avoided the awkwardness that one would expect.  However, the hopes of a continued friendship have been carefully swept from my horizons.  I have accepted this... honestly!  It is our dear friend JC who has not.

JC is an amazing and wonderful girl.  She sees the world in ways I do not, and her view is lovely.  As far as friends go, she is of a rare breed.  She is one of the truest, most loyal and loving people I know.  I truly adore her, and she is loyal to both of us.  As such, it pains her for the two of us not to be close and to share the bond the three of us had shared in the past.  Since we found our peace with the situation, she has been trying to put us in the same places more often.  I suppose she sees a glimmer of the past, and in it, hope. I just don't know how to tell her that the past can never be again.  I can't open myself up to invest in that relationship again, and that the "ex" and I are not even the same people anymore.....

Looking Back

As I say goodbye to 2010, I cannot help but look back with fondness.  This year has been amazing, a quite honestly, life changing for me and my family.  I would like to list the positives that have accompanied this year in my life.....

• I graduated from UT with a BA in Mid East Studies, Asian Studies (East Asian Specialization), Arabic, and a minor in Japanese
• I got a job that runs two years, and I will be a National Teaching Fellow, further living the drea,
• I was accepted into grad school and will be working toward my Master's in Education, starting next year.
• My honey and I bought our first home

These are the more tangible events of 2010.  Now I want to look back on some of the "me" stuff I have been working on.....

• To be a better mother.  - This goal is a daily challenge that I face.  I have learned so much, but I still have a long way to go.  This is a goal that one never stops working on.  I succeeded in working more closely with my children and their schools, but my patience could still use some work....
• To be a better lover. - Sometimes I get so caught up in my work and all the "need-to-be-done" tasks, that I forget to work on the romance of my relationship.  Having graduated and having less responsibility looming over my head has really contributed to taking stress off our relationship.  Although, the boy has begun working nights, so that makes our time together significantly less.....
• To take better care of my body. - Here is an area where I have completely failed.  I have been eating better, true, but I have been so wrapped up in those dam "need-to-be-done" tasks, that I neglect my daily yoga plans. Aargh.. *sigh*
• To nurture my spiritual life. -  The very nature of academic life is that one works to nurture their mind, but the spiritual is less emphasized.  This is true of me.  I have been doing better, especially the latter part of this year. Again, this probably has everything to do with having graduated and having less assignments....

In the New Year, I plan to work more on all of these goals, as they are not simply one year goals, but lifelong pursuits.  I am so optimistic about the coming year, as it already holds so many promises and possibilities.  I love the path I am on, and look forward to walking it.....

Wish List

As you may know, if you have read my earlier posts, we are in the marked to buy a house.  This is a terribly daunting, yet very exciting prospect.  Ideally, I want to live one some land in a Queen Anne Victorian home nestled in the woods.  I want to be able to farm, raise chickens, tend bees, bake pies, and drink lemonade while sitting in my porch swing....

However, for my first house, I must be content with something a bit different.... I have made a list of the features which I am looking for.  These are bits that I simply cannot do without:

1)     At least 3 bedroom and 1 1/2 baths - we have 3 wee ones, and less than 3 bedrooms means chaos

2)     I would like a fairly open floor plan, especially a kitchen that is not closed off

3)     I would like there to be a window in the kitchen, one on which I could set a plant or two (i.e. aloe vera, basil...)

4)     A sizeable backyard where we can have a dog, I can plant a garden, and the kids can
 play.

5)     A porch, or room to build one. ( Gotta have the porch swing. )

These are very doable, but we have been having the experience that we will find a house, and before we are even able to look at it, it will go under contract.  This has happened 4 or 5 times already.  (Proof that the economy is not as bad as we are led to believe) 

Today, I will go and look at a house that appears to meet this criteria, and then some....I will let you know

Harried Housewife...

Okay, so I am not really a 'housewife,' but I appreciate alliteration, and I am ever so 'harried'....

This week I have dropped the ball on my 30/30 project.  What a perfectly dreadful time to have such a task anyway.  It is nearing the end of one of my most grueling semesters to date, and I am attempting to raise three wee ones, as well as working on my art.  The poetry project simply is not a priority, no matter how much I like the idea of it.....

I have not given up completely on this, however.  I have finalized my summer schedule for school, and I think that I may make June my official poetry month, so I can at least participate in my own way......

 As this semester winds to a close, I am plagued with many tests and presentations.  I have managed to choose my topics, and so must do some serious work to stay on top of the game:

For my 4th year Arabic course, I have chosen to do my presentation (10 min, completely in Arabic) about Honor Killings around the world.  I plan to integrate the topic of Honor and Suicide as well.

For my final paper in the same class, I am going to write it about abandonment in Arab Literature.  This class is a lit class, and many of the stories we have abandonment as a reoccurring theme.  I think it will make for a fine topic.....

My final presentation (20 min, completely in Arabic) for my Media Arabic course is going to be about Salah Adeen (aka Saladin).  He is one of my historical crushes, along with Abraham Lincoln and the first king of Iraq, Faisal.......

All of these topics are going to have to wait 24 hours though, as I am hosting a dinner party tonight.  (Another reason I am feeling a bit harried).  I must finish my tidying of the home, bake some bread, and chop veggies so that I can comfortably relax and partake of wine, good food, and excellent conversation.....

Lady Green Finger

I am a small town girl, stuck in the city due to the necessity of my chosen situation. Or, as my dear friend Molly phrases it, I am an "affected provincial."

City-bound though I may be, I still desire to raise my children in such a fashion as they will experience things I benefited from in my own childhood. Not that it is Spring, my desires of this realm turn toward gardening.

As a wee little lass, gardening was terribly important to my family's well being, and so we had a good bit of land set aside for this purpose. The largest plot was the "family garden," where we planted our year-long, staple foods. They regularly crossed our table, fresh or canned, as dictated the season.

The smaller patches/plots belonged to me and my sister. In these spaces we were allowed to plant and care for the foods we most desired to eat during the year, and none of the food that we did not. We were solely responsible for planting, weeding, etc. And, once they had blossomed and ripened, we would pick the best ones and enter then in the fair, where we often won ribbons.

Two other sizable plots we used to plant strawberries and raspberries. The yield was far more than our family needs, and so my sister and I would gather and sell the excess for the money to purchase our school clothes each year.

These treasured experiences I cannot quite duplicate for my children; we simply don't have the land. However, as we prepare our backyard to become a garden, I will include them in each step. This is Spring Break week, here in Texas. By the end of this week long holiday, I plan to have all the seeds in the ground, with their help. I will keep a photo journal of our work and progress......

Once Upon A Lighthouse

On days like today, as a week of care-less freedom confronts me, that I consider my aspirations of being a lighthouse keeper. Many years past, I heard tell of an opening for the job of caring for a lighthouse. Though I was not entirely certain what that meant, I became obsessed with the idea. I fantasized about it, and still do.

In my imagination, being a lighthouse keeper is a solitary job. One literally lives inside of one's work. I would set up a modest space, mainly with frilly bits of lace and a large crate (or three) of books. During my contracted stint I would read, be all sorts of introspective, and accomplish a great deal of the writing projects I have begun. Though I am a social creature, I prefer to be social on my own terms. This means that I like the freedom to withdraw, as a turtle would into his shell. Having a family has been for me, somewhat difficult on this level. I can never fully withdraw. Nor do I want to, but those moments of solitude that I so treasure, are fewer than I would care to mention. Luckily, I have an extremely understanding lover who is willing to cart the wee ones off for their adventure, as I take a few moments for mine.

So, as a week of freedom, dubbed Spring Break, washes over me, I consider what it would be like to spend that time in a lighthouse. Each morning taking my tea by the sea; watching waves and they beat against the cliff that I envision my lighthouse rests upon. Climbing stairs to be closer to the stars at night. Breathing in fully the fresh, saltwater air.....